Kluk- Heroes are Made Up, Not Born

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Kluk didn’t want to be here.  He never asked to be part of a raiding party.  The little goblin had always been pretty happy just digging through the trash outside the big human city for shinies and giant grubs to eat.  But here he was, clutching his horsechopper as tight as he could to stop his hands from shaking and his knees from knocking together.  Down below on the road just outside the city he could see the wagon and it’s bigsy owners.  The tribe’s shaman said that something of great power would come from the raid today so all the goblins had to be there to witness it.

The bigsies didn’t look too big from up here, and maybe that meant they weren’t too big down there either.  Kluk watched as the four bigsies guarding the cart stopped and began looking around.  Two of them were wearing lots of shiny metal covering their bodies, one was dressed in a bright purple robe and the fourth had a long green cloak that covered him up and made him hard to see.  At least their wagon wasn’t being pulled by any horses.  Kluk probably would have run away right then if there were any horses nearby.

While Kluk was watching the bigsies search around for something, he heard the tribe’s shaman speak. “Ready?  One… Two… Three…  Everyone charge!”

All around him, the goblins charged down the hill and out of the forest, some of them tripping, stumbling or rolling as their short legs and giant heads threw them off balance.  Kluk tried not to be faster than anyone else, but everyone around him was racing to be second place and Kluk found himself the first out of the bushes.

“AAAAAAH!” He screamed as he came running out from the ambush, right towards the largest human he’d ever seen, carrying a giant sword twice as long as Kluk was tall and wrapped head to toe in gleaming steel.

“RAAAAAGH!” The giant metal man shouted as he drew his massive sword and raised it high overhead.

“AAAAAAH!” Kluk screamed as he closed his eyes and ran between the giant man’s legs, dragging his horsechopper behind him, still attached to his wrist by a leather thong.  Kluk felt  sudden pull on his wrist and fell backwards, the hook of his horsechopper caught around the armored man’s ankle.  Kluk bounced back up and tugged on the horsechopper with all his might, twisting and pulling as hard as he could.  The horsechopper came loose suddenly and smacked Kluk in the face.  Stunned, he looked around and saw the armored man had fallen flat on his face and was struggling to get up.  Kluk screamed again and smacked him in the back with the pointy hook-end of his horsechopper.  The man went rigid and then collapsed.  Kluk recognised a particular smell, but he couldn’t tell if it was coming from the dead body, or himself.

“Artak!”  Kluk heard someone shout behind him.  He turned to see the green cloaked bigsy swinging at him with a pair of wickedly curved daggers.  Kluk stumbled backwards, rolling heels over head as both attacks missed.  As he staggered back up, Kluk grabbed hold of his horsechopper and tugged with all his might.  The backspike snapped off and Kluk spun around, still holding on to the badly damaged weapon.  His balance gone, he was jerked to a sudden stop when the blade of the horsechopper smacked into the side of the green cloaked bigsy, releasing a spray of gore and bone bits.

Kluk pulled his horsechopper from the dead guy’s skull and looked around for an escape route.  Somehow a bunch of big spiders had shown up and were attacking the other goblins.  Kluk was caught in the middle with no escape.  The purple robed bigsy was throwing balls of stinking green acid and bright blue rays of frost into the goblins, the other metal clad bigsy was a dwarf of all things, and his hammer and shield were smacking around goblins left and right.

Knees shaking and bladder definitely empty, Kluk tried to swallow his fear but began choking on a bit of skull that had flown into his mouth.  Busy coughing and trying not to choke to death, Kluk didn’t notice the purple robed bigsy pop right in front of him.  Kluk yelped and swung his horsechopper, tearing the robe a bit and leaving a gash along the bigsy’s torso.  The robed bigsy turned and tossed a ball of green acid at Kluk slapping across his face and burning away at his flesh.  Mad with pain, Kluk swung wildly and lunged forward.  He heard a gurgle and felt the heavy thunk as the spear point of his horsechopper stabbed through the bigsy’s throat.

Kluk barely had time to let out a squeal of relief before he heard another shout. “Yew godsdamned goblins! Ah’ll lickyerlillyliveredmuckrakingobsmarkers right off me gutsmackin’mace!”

The dwarf batted aside another goblin and marched towards Kluk.  “Yew there!  Yew goblin skum sucker!  Yer mine now!”

Kluk tried to back away, but the other goblins were surrounding the two of them now, shouting and cheering at the spectacle.  Kluk stabbed at the dwarf with his horsechopper, but the dwarf batted it aside with his shield.  The dwarf kept coming closer as Kluk kept circling and backing away.  The goblin cheers started to turn to jeers and insults as Kluk tried to keep his distance from the heavily armored and very angry dwarf.  One of the other goblins picked up a rock and threw it.  Suddenly, Kluk was a bit more scared of his fellow goblins than he was of the dwarf.  He stabbed at the dwarf again, only to have his attack blocked by the shield.

“Bah! Now ye’re gettin’ it.  Give me a good fight goblin!”  The dwarf snarled.

Kluk stabbed again and again, every attack missing.  The dwarf started laughing, batting aside each weak thrust and slash without even trying to close inside Kluk’s range.

“Alright, ye’re just gettin’ pathetic now.  Here, Ah’ll give ye one last shot goblin, then Ah’m goin’ ta pop yer skull like a grape.”  The dwarf stepped back and held his arms out wide.  “Come at me then!”

Kluk knew it was a trick, but all the other goblins were watching.  He hopped backwards and then sprang forward charging with all his might.  He screamed as loud as he could as he ran forward, the tip of his horsechopper leveled at the dwarf’s throat.  At the last second, the dwarf moved his shield to block but Kluk stumbled over the rock that one of the goblins had thrown.  His horsechopper dipped low and pierced the dwarf through his stomach and out the back.

“That weren’t… supposed ta happen.”  The dwarf wheezed.  He dropped to his knees and fell over dead.

The surrounding goblins erupted into cheers and applause.  They began signing, chanting Kluks name over and over.

Kluk the goblin hero!
Killed four giants in a day
He stabbed them, smashed them
Then feasted on their brains!

Kluk the goblin hero!
Brought us lots of meat
Gonna cook their loins
and chomp their bones
to get to the marrow,
So Sweet!

Kluk the goblin hero!
Won lots of shiny things
He took them from the bigsies
And said, “Now I’m the king!”

The goblins’ shaman walked up next to Kluk, and raised his hand to silence the excited horde. “I foresaw that we would find something glorious in today’s raid.  Kluk is that glorious thing.  We have a new hero!  Kluk, the great goblin fighter will lead our assault against the city of the bigsies, and we’ll feast on their bones, burn their homes and steal all their shinies!  Here’s to Kluk!”

The shaman reached down and pulled the dwarf’s helmet off his head, and placed it on Kluk.  He leaned in close and whispered “The chief and I expect great things from you Kluk.”

If Kluk had had anything left in his bladder, he would have released it right then.

By | 2015-08-12T14:40:10+00:00 June 24th, 2015|Categories: Fiction, Pathfinder|Tags: , , |2 Comments

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2 Comments

  1. Adam June 25, 2015 at 06:53Report user

    I can’t wait to see Kluk return! This is how goblin stories should be. Ridiculous and awesome.

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